I'll Try Again Tomorrow

A little while ago I had a really crappy day.  You know the kind - starts off with a cold coffee and then just gets worse and worse.  The main cause was clashing heads with Kalani over everything.  Complaining, whinging, answering back, not listening to anything I was saying.  He was driving me insane.

I yelled a lot that day.  Oh my goodness I yelled a lot *sigh*  And I hate when it gets to that stage, because as soon as I start I feel awful, but I just can't stop.  That was how it all ended.  With me totally losing my shit in the car as we were driving home from the library.  I know that Kalani felt bad as well because he (for once) didn't say anything.  He just sat and took it.  And even as I was roaring at him for being such a selfish child, a little voice was saying 'Stop Stop Stop - He's ONLY 4 - STOOOOP' - but I didn't - I just kept on screaming at him as he sat there.

*sad sad sad*

I felt (and still feel) horrible.

After he went to bed that night I sat down with my laptop and an enormous glass of wine.  I caught up on emails, read some articles (nothing even remotely intellectual - 'How to increase your potassium levels' - 'How to look 20 when you're 40' etc.) and then caught up with Facebook.  As I was trolling through my news feed, there was a quote/saying that really jumped out at me...

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says 'I'll try again tomorrow'"

I think the quote was part of a mental illness awareness campaign or something, and I ignored the bit about courage.  The words that really hit me were "I'll try again tomorrow".

So I'd been a shitty parent and had an appalling day.  Tomorrow is a new day, and on that day I will try this parenting thing again.  I'll try to yell less and to listen more.  I'll try more patience and less anger.  I'll try to motivate and inspire and show him love, instead of making him afraid of me.  I'll try again.  And I'll remember that he is only 4, and 4 year old boys don't always (ever!) act like angels.

I took my decision and my shame and went up to Kalani's room, sat on his bed and watched him sleep (he may not act like an angel, but he looks like one when he's sleeping - arms thrown up over his head - abandoning himself to his dreams).  I kissed his cheek and promised him that I would try to be a better Mummy tomorrow.

Because in the end, that's all any of us can do with anything in life - just keep trying.  

So whatever kind of day you've just had - particularly if it sucked - know that while your slate doesn't necessarily get wiped clean at the end of each day, that you do get redemption of sorts at the start of each day.  You get another a chance to try again.

2 Glasses of Wine. No Words.

For the last few weeks I've been sitting down every couple of nights, and I've tried to write.  I've got a few ideas floating around, but every time I try to put them to paper they just sound stupid.  They're either too rushed, or I can't get my point across, or I start harping on about one whingy thing or another.  And I know I'm no wordsmith, but I still want to express myself a certain way, it's just that... I can't find the words to say what's in my head.

I've tried different variations of the wine to writing ratio.  Too little wine, and there's not enough inspiration.  Too much and there's more staring into space than actual writing.  I even contemplated starting a spreadsheet to keep track of my findings, but that's just verging on crazy (Natalie!!) and would definitely qualify me as a full time procrastinator.

And it's annoying, because this is something I generally enjoy doing.  Apart from the exercise madness, this is my only 'hobby', and so I want to keep it as something that's fun, not something that I feel I need to do each week.

I used to play a game called WoW (World of Warcraft).  It was actually Dan's game (to begin with), and I just dabbled a little - dressing up characters with different clothes/hairstyles/piercings.  But then I became hooked.  Totally hooked.  And it was no longer Dan's game... it was 100% mine.  I'd get up on a Saturday morning and play - all weekend.  Dan would go out for the evening and I'd stay in and play, play, play.

*contended sigh*

It was awesome.

But then Kalani came along, and I did the 'full-time job during the day'/'full-time parent at night' juggle, and had a lot less time to do anything.  When I did play WoW it wasn't fun anymore.  A lot of the game is task based (e.g. kill 10 panthers, find 20 blue plants) and I resented spending my spare time doing more chores.  I already had a huge To Do list, my idea of fun isn't to add to it.

So I stopped playing.

It took a while to completely stop - any addiction is hard to kick.  But I don't miss it anymore... (though riding around on a dragon is pretty cool, and doesn't happen that often in real life - so maybe I do miss it a bit!).

Anyway, I'm rambling on.  I don't want this (sweeps hands around indicating general blog thing) to suffer the same fate as WoW has in my life, and so perhaps I need to be more relaxed about it.  I like writing here because, very weirdly, it makes me feel a lot more connected to all of you.  I might not see you every day... or even every year, but by doing this I really feel like we're having a catch-up.  Yes, it's slightly one-sided, but it's still a conversation, and conversation with a good friend is always fun and not something that's hard to do, or that needs to be scheduled into a weekly task list.

And so now, after writing this (points at screen), I feel happy about this (sweeps hands around indicating bloggy thing) again.  After all, we've just had a great catch up.  It's almost like we've just spent the evening together, though you were a little quiet - you should really speak up next time!  

*happy*

Well I've just finished my first glass of wine.  By my reckoning it's about time for me to stare into space and dream that I live somewhere warm... with a beach... and a little puppy with floppy ears and big paws... and a big fire-breathing dragon that I can fly around on and shoot great jets of flame at evil trolls that are trying to turn puppies into zombies and ...

...

...

...

More wine anyone?

Saber-Tooth Tiger Survival 101

I really wanted to name this one "Survivor" (you know, after the Destiny's Child song) because after last weeks post I felt a bit of an old-song theme starting, but I realised it would look far too melodramatic.  Anyway, hum a few lines with me ...

I'm a Survivor

da da da make it

la la la la la

dum dum dee dum dum

Rightio - back to the serious stuff.

A few weeks ago I wrote about feeling lucky.  And I mentioned the ectopic thing.  And I don't want to harp on about it again and again and again, but then I thought, that I do think about that day a lot.  All the time in fact.  And it's not in some "oh poor me" way, it's just reliving some small part of the day. And I could talk about it all the time.  I don't though, I mention it on here more than in real life, but if someone does get me started then I'll just keep going until they fall asleep.

I thought it was just me.  A Liffey-ism.  Until I was in the kitchen at work talking to 2 work colleagues.  One who's just recently come back to work after being quite ill.  It turns out that they both had very similar conditions - and they started comparing stories and discussing treatments and side affects and all sorts.  I was walking away leaving them to it, when I heard one of them say "I could talk about this stuff all day".

And it made me think.  These 2 people had survived something quite scary and mean and deadly.  They were survivors.  And they were sharing their survival stories... finding the parts that they had in common and the parts that were different.  It's so strange - you'd think that after going through horrific experiences that people would want to move on and forget, and I'm sure that lots of people do have that approach, so why do some of us want to ... not dwell on it, but just keep remembering?

It could be that we're self-absorbed and just like to talk about ourselves (she says writing a blog all about herself!), but I don't think that's it.  I think we want to share our experiences because we're saying ... "We Beat Death".  And yes, that does sound overly melodramatic, but it's true.  It's kind of a big deal don't you think?

Maybe the same types of stories started when we were cave men discussing tips on how to get the better of the neighbourhood saber-tooth tiger.  Without those stories, we might not be here today.  So if you've gone through something craptastic and you want to share - I say go for it.  Don't go crazy and shout your story from the rooftops (unless that's your thing), but talk talk talk about it.  It will probably make you feel better - sharing always does.  And who knows, it might contain the one tip that keeps the human race going for another 100 000 years.

Insane In Da Membrane ...

... Insane. In Da Brain ...

Remember that song...  from the *cough* 90's?  Ahhh - loved it.

Anyway.  Have you heard of Insanity?  It's a crazy workout DVD series.  Each session is anywhere between 45 minutes to an hour long, and the main aim is to make you throw up because it's so flipping hard.

Yes, well, last year, when I turned 40, Dan gave me the Insanity DVD's for my birthday.

!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!

Yup - seriously!

I'm not really sure how he managed to do that and still lives. He has the knack though of making everything seem so happy and un-mean.  Schmoozer!

So, given that I actually did need to do some kind of exercise, I started last October.  The program is meant to take 9 weeks.  It took me 13.  It also didn't work.  I mean I did almost throw up every time I did a workout, and it made me insanely hungry, but when I finished I didn't look like the girls in the DVD.

Waste of time?

Well actually no.  Here's the thing.  I really enjoyed it.  So much so, that when I finished I felt kind of lost... until I got a hold of the next Insanity DVD workout set - a 30 minute version with the same trainer.

Anyway, the actual workout isn't the point here, it's the fact that doing exercise makes me happy.

*gasp*

I quite honestly NEVER thought that I'd be the type of person who did exercise because I enjoyed it.  But I do now.  If I miss a few days I get down, and I even miss the crazy trainer.  It feels like he's a part of our family (I know that Dan won't mind because I'm pretty sure he feels the same - ha ha!).

And another big upside (apart from the happy beans), is that now when someone asks me what I do for fun (which is the kind of question I HATE being asked, because before I'd mumble something about reading, eating cookies and guzzling wine), I reply ...

Going Insane!

Don't be such a Cranky Pants

A few years ago I was walking across the park just in front of our house.  It was spring, so all the snow had melted and the grass was starting to return to the greener end of the dead spectrum.  It wasn't particularly warm, and I don't think the sun was even out, but I was skipping.  Skipping across the grass feeling so SO happy.

I was on my way home from a medical checkup after the whole ectopic malarky and I was counting my blessings... again.  I felt so lucky to be alive, and realised how blessed I was just to be able to walk/skip across the park like a lunatic.

Fast forward to today.

Today I was grumpy.  For no good reason really - I was just in a grumpy mood.  Too much to do.  No time for 'play'. Snow all over the place. Anyway, this afternoon, I had to walk my cranky pants self across the park... and I remembered the feeling I had walking across that other time... 

So I might not have all the children that I'd like, and my family might live on the other side of the planet, I feel like I've turned into an old woman overnight and I constantly end the day feeling like I haven't had time to breathe until that minute because things are just too busy... but ...

I have a wonderful little family - Dan and Kalani and even our two crazy cats.  I have a child.  Millions of women don't get the chance to have one child.  Or they have so many that they can't afford to clothe and feed them (I met a lady the other day who was about to have her sixth child.... yup - you read right, SIXTH!!).

So my family lives a 31 hour plane journey away.  But at least I get to go and see them when I can, and they're all healthy and happy and not living in the middle of a civil war or a famine or ... America! 

Yes, I've just turned that awful four. zero. age (which btw is not just a frickin number... it's VERY. VERY. OLD).  At least I get to grow old. I might not be doing it very gracefully, but I am able to do it.

And yes, my life is busy. Whose isn't?  Work can be crazy and all encompassing, and there's the constant guilt that I'm not doing either of my jobs well (mother/wife and the one that I actually get paid for), but ... at least I have a job.  A job that I enjoy, and am qualified for (i.e. I'm not a surgeon driving a taxi because my new country of residence won't recognise my medical degree).

So my point is this.  I'm sure that everyone of you goes through grumpy stages like I do, and I'm sure that you don't always have good days.  You'd have to be on drugs for everything to be sunshine and roses all the time.  But... is your life really that bad?  Have you looked around you, or even looked inside you... and seen all that you do have?  I bet you've got it pretty good!

And if you can't see just how very lucky you are, then just be thankful that you don't live in north-eastern Nigeria, wondering if your town will be wiped out next.  

See - things aren't so bad after all are they!

Life. Is. Good.  

New Years Resolutions

I don't make New Years Resolutions. I'm not sure if I ever have. Or maybe I did make one once, but then immediately broke it so decided that it's a waste of time to try again.

Anyway, I don't make New Years Resolutions, but if I did they would be:

1. Stop drinking so much (I write this while drinking my 2nd glass of white wine for the evening).
2. Stop being so lazy (after I finish this I will probably go to bed .... to sleep!).
3. Be more patient with Kalani (which is not at all related to my next resolution)
4. Be more patient with stupid people.

Okay, so maybe number 4 would never be achievable.

Who am I kidding. None of those are remotely achievable!

Happy New Year everyone. I am hoping to do this blogging thingie a little more this year. It's not a resolution, or a promise, or anything official... just a thought.  

So don't hold me to it.

Those Pesky Green Nosed Canadians

I was on the toilet the other day, and Kalani was sitting on the other side of the door telling me a story (he still doesn't want to be left by himself).

His story was about some good injra (ninja) turtles who were being attacked by a whole host of baddies.  Firstly they were attacked by an Iron Man (no idea where this came from), then some monsters, and then finally ... the Canadians.

Me:

The what?

K:

*sounding mysterious*

The Canadians.  They had green noses and were very very bad.

Me:

*giggling*

Canadians?  With green noses?

K:

Yeees - the green nosed Canadians came, and they were scary, but the injra turtles went 'hiya, hiya' and they beat up the bad mean Canadians.

Me:

*in fits of laughter*

Good stuff Kalani.  I've heard about those Canadians, and you're right, the green nosed ones are very very bad.  I'm glad the injra turtles saved the day.

I can't wait until he discovers that HE is a Canadian, though at least he doesn't have a green nose! :)

My Nightmarish Day (aka "My new New Years Resolution")

This year I made a New Years Resolution. It was to Take part in a triathalon. I know. I'm actually laughing out loud while I'm typing this because that is so definitely NOT going to happen. Obviously I was quite drunk when this particular resolution was made.

Well, no worries. I've never been particularly into making resolutions anyway.

Until today.

Today I volunteered as a mentor at a technology event here in St. John's (as a total aside, if you're a laaady in Canada and you're interested in any kind of code writing - even as simple as creating/editing a blog - then check out http://ladieslearningcode.com/ - they're pretty awesome).  

Anyway, the whole event was very laid back. My role was to help out some of the participants with some basic code writing. I met some new people, learnt a few new techie things and was given a gift of chocolate for being a mentor. It was super chilled out.  

But then... IT happened. I had to get up, in front of the whole room and ....

Talk About Myself

*cue dramatic music here*

I walked up to the front of the room, and stood there. I wasn't on my own, there were another 5 or 6 mentors up there as well, but the way I felt I could have been naked in front of a million people. I had to lean back on the table behind me so that I didn't fall over and then take deep breaths to stop myself from simultaneously throwing up and fainting. When it was my turn to speak, I blurted out a few things (I can't quite remember what I said, but I think some of it was totally made up), went bright red and then made a stupid face at the room while visibly shaking.

Crazy right?

Or maybe not.  

Some people are scared of spiders, other people the dark, some people are even scared of buttons (weirdo's). Being scared of public speaking is not that uncommon, and while it's not as ridiculous as wanting to hide from the buttons on the front of your shirt, it's still inconvenient and embarrassing.

So now I have a new resolution. To be able to stand up in front of a group of people and speak about anything as calmly and confidently as if I was speaking to myself in front of the mirror (which I never do - never never never *cough*). I'm going to seek out and attend some 'How to speak in public without wetting your knickers' courses and I'm going to stop living in fear.

I also have a back up resolution in case this one dies the same fate as the swimming/riding/running fantasy. I will "Become a Better Person". The great thing about this resolution is that you never specify exactly WHO you'll become a better person than. Of course it's implied that you'll better yourself, but at a pinch you can always say that you thought that you had to be a better person than a thief.

Easy peasy.

A Slightly Belated Xmas Letter

Sooooo.  It's been a while hasn't it?  How are you doing?  Do you have time for a catch up?  Great - grab a glass of wine/mug of coffee, and let's chat.

I've been keeping up with your life - mostly over Facebook. I see you've moved house/moved countries/got married/had a baby/been on holidays/lost a loved one, and I feel like I've been there with you for a lot of that. Kind of one sided I know, but I have been thinking of you.

To even things up, here's what's been going on with us....

We've been living more of the 'same old, same old', but I think we all do that, don't we?  Sometimes it's all about survival.  Keeping (mostly) sane and just putting one foot in front of the other... until it's the weekend.  Though that brings a different kind of crazy - a domestic whirlwind of groceries and laundry and birthday parties and cleaning (well... maybe not cleaning, but you get the picture).

We're generally pretty good, and even though we've had some sh1tty stuff happen recently, I keep in mind that...

 1) it's all relative - lots of people go through much much much worse than we do; and

 2) life is short - move on.

Don't misunderstand, we had lots of great times last year as well. We had a great summer. The weather was lovely, we had lots of bbq's, drank lots of wine, spent as much time outside as possible.

Kalani and I went back to Australia in August for a quick visit. It was mostly to give my family some moral support as they go through some tough times, but we had fun too. Then in December, all 3 of us went back to Australia for a month. It was great to have so much time off, though, if I'm being honest, it was a little too hot at times. (I never thought I'd say that!).

Lots of good things are happening with our families too - new babies, new pregnancies, new jobs and prospects, clean bills of health. We're lucky.

And that's it really. Not uber exciting I know, but I'd like to start writing here again, and I didn't feel like I could just burst into it without some kind of 'I'm still alive' post!

Thanks for the chat. See you soon.

Lx

Being a Mum on Mothers Day

Today is Mothers Day here in Canada.  I think it's also Mothers Day in Australia and the UK too.  Weird that Mothers Day is the same day, but not Fathers Day. 

Anyway - I'm digressing and I haven't even started.

I had some ideas about how events would pan out today.  It started with a sleep in, included coffee and cake with a friend, progressed to more cake with Dan and Kalani and ended with a champagne and cake finale.

It was quite different. 

It started with a very early start after less than 3 hours of broken sleep due to Kalani having yet another stomach bug.  There was a lot of cleaning up and cuddling and quiet, go-to-sleep-now storytelling during the night.  

So - not much sleep, definitely no sleep in, no meeting up with friends or having some selfish 'me' time.  Instead today consisted of a lot of sitting on the couch, cuddling a very sick little boy and watching endless episodes of animal rescuers and pirates.

But, you know what?  It was a perfect day.  Obviously not the sickness part - that sucked - no, it was the reminder of exactly what it means to be a mum (to me at least).

It means holding his little body upright as he's ill and gently lying him back down again when he's exhausted himself.

It means wiping his hot head and hands to bring relief from fever sweats.

It means cuddling him close to warm him up.

It means making up hour upon hour of nonsensical stories to keep his mind off how awful he feels.

It means lying awake next to him so that as soon as the sickness starts, a bucket will be placed in just the right place.

It means going slightly insane after watching 17 back to back episodes of Diego and his manic cousin Dora.

It means giving my whole heart to a small little boy and knowing that there isn't anything I wouldn't do for him.

I'm glad I was reminded of that today and didn't get too caught up in a chocolate frenzied madness.

Yes, being a mum is hard, and takes oodles of time and patience and self sacrifice, and can be unbelievably messy.  But, lying next to Kalani tonight, watching him succumb to an exhausted sleep, I knew that I wouldn't trade last night and today for any other time - even a fancy shmancy get-dressed-up-and-party-party-party night.  Nope, I'm glad I was exactly where I was.

Now, where'd Dan hide the chocolate and champers - it's time for some madness ;)

Recharging

Kalani and Dan are upstairs having a nap, and I'm downstairs, sitting on the couch with a cup of tea.  It's quiet and peaceful, and even though I'm surrounded by laundry that needs folding, groceries that need to be put away and a toy explosion, I'm not moving.  I'm retreating into myself for a few minutes and enjoying just being.  

This kind of thing doesn't happen very often, does it?  The opportunity to just sit and be.  It's nothing to do with your situation - no children, or 3 children.  Full-time worker or student with an evening job.  Retired grandparents or studying teenager.   Whatever your life is like, it's always full and busy and there's not that many times in a week, let alone a day, that you get to just sit.

So that's what I've been doing.  Liffey meditation.  No list-making or planning what's going to happen next in the day.  Just nothing.  And it's lovely.

For a little while.

And now I can hear some stirrings from upstairs.  A rustle and a thump as Kalani climbs out of bed, up and ready to play.  And I'm glad to end my alone time and get back into the bustle and chaos of Life.  Recharged and content.

Happy weekend peeps. 

Will Power?!? What's That?

I have no will power.

Not an ounce.

This sucks for many reasons.  One of the main reasons is that I really want a smoking hot body, but for this I know that I need to do two things: exercise and stop eating chocolate.

Soooo exercise.  Every day I tell myself that I'll do an 'Awesome Abs and Beyonce Bum/Arm/Leg/Everything' workout after Kalani goes to bed.  And then every night after Kalani goes to bed I end up: going to bed as well because I'm exhausted; tackling the crazy laundry pile or drinking wine in front of the tv.  More often than not it's the latter.  So, I then tell myself that I will DEFINITELY get up at 5:30 the next morning so I can work out then.  Definitely.  I even set my alarm before I go to sleep - THAT'S how committed I feel.  And then, at around 2am when I'm woken up for the 10 millionth time by the cats/toddler/bladder, I accept that there's no way on earth that I'm getting up at some ungodly hour of the morning when I could stay in nice warm bed instead.  And so I reset my alarm (which is an interesting exercise in the dark) and get up at my normal time in the morning just as unfit and unsmoking as I was the day before.

The other way to (apparently) lose weight is to eat well.  Hmmmm.... Well I DO eat well, I eat chocolate very well indeed thank you!  I always tell myself that one biscuit is enough, or just one slice of cake is more than adequate.  And then, just like magic, it's all gone.  All the biscuits AND the cake and even the chocolate chips that I pretend I buy for baking purposes..

So you can see that I have no will power. None at all.

Which brings me to the main point of this post.  Kalani.  He still wakes up every night.  Not just once, but a few times.  And pretty much every time he wakes,  I clamber into bed with him, give him a cuddle to calm him down, and then always fall asleep cuddling him.  Some nights I wake up in his bed and can't remember getting in.  And it's more common for me to wake up in the morning in Kalani's bed than in my own.

Now none of this is because I think that toddlers should sleep with their parents - not at all. I think Kalani should sleep by himself.  And every night before I go to sleep, I tell myself that tonight I will just comfort him with a little back rub and soothing word, and then return to my own bed.  But it never happens that way because I have no will power and choose sleep over the right thing to do every time.

But...

I don't really mind too much, because pretty soon he won't want me to kiss him or cuddle him or stroke his hair and rub his back.  That will be way too uncool.  So instead I accept the inevitable, and don't tell myself off too badly.  Instead I cuddle his small warm body into mine and enjoy these moments while I can.

Now... where did I put those biscuits?  Oops - they're finished already.

Sleeping with Liffey

My dad told me a story once, about his dad.  My poppa.

When Poppa was a little boy, he used to go to sleep lying on his back, with his arms straight by his sides.  As if he was standing to attention.  Because he wanted to be a soldier, so he practiced every single night.  Poppa ended up having a career in the British Army as a Brigadier.

So ever since I was quite young, I've believed that the position you sleep in morphs it's way into reality.  Sort of a "You Are What You Sleep"

So, keeping that in mind, here's a small excerpt from my brain as I'm trying to get to sleep ...

Oh, so cosy.

Mmmm.... cosy.

I love these flannel sheets - I'm really glad I finally got some.  They really make a difference.

Mmmmmmmmmm..... cooooossssssyyyyyyy....

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

My arms are crossed over my chest just like vampires and dead people in coffins.

I'M. GOING. TO DIE.

OH.

MY.

GOD.

Okay, calm down Liffey.  It's just a comfortable position to lie in.  Just put your arms by your side and stop getting upset.  

Breathe.

Relax.

Okay... I'm relaxed.

Mmmmm... cosy.

Yup - definitely glad about the sheets.  

Glad about the hot water bottle too - this country is cold.  

Brrrrr - okay, don't think about the cold.  Imagine you're on a warm beach, and you can feel the sand between your toes, and ....

*yawn*

Sooooooo coooosssyyy.

Warm.

Mmmm....

Toasty.

Sleepy

Sllllleeeeeeeeep ......

AAAAARRRRGGGHHHHHH.  MY ARMS ARE TRYING TO KILL ME

Yup folks, a night in bed with me is far from boring!

Sunday Spirituality

This afternoon Dan took Kalani off to visit his family, and I stayed at home.  To do some work (the bill-paying kind) that I needed to get done by Monday.

Anyway, it only took an hour or so, and after I'd finished I looked outside at the sunshine and the newly fallen snow, and decided to go for a walk.

Best idea I've had today.

The sky was a brilliant blue, and the sun was bright and warm and optimistic.  The snow on the track was just the right kind of snow for walking in.  Fluffy and not too deep.  Everything was covered in snow - white and clean and fresh and new.  The birds were singing and chirping and having little afternoon parties in the trees.  The stream gurgled loudly beside me.  The people I passed were all happy and I even made friends with a cute little dog.

Perfect.

I really needed this walk - the last few days have been pretty crappy, but today has made me feel like a new person.  I came back happy and content and a little bit sweaty since I'd put on way too many layers (I tend to over-compensate for the cold).  I really felt like I'd shed all the negative, poo-buminess of the last little while and I'm ready for whatever comes next.

Happy Sunday people. 

No Free Time

One of my most common rants to Dan is about how little free time I have.  Particularly in relation to someone else who has kids.

e.g.

"Blah-dee-blah says that SHE doesn't have any time to do anything, but she doesn't work full-time like I do."

and ...

"Dum-dee-dum says that SHE doesn't have any free time, but she manages to read for enjoyment.  I haven't read a book in 6 months"

etc. etc.

And then tonight, as I was reading Kalani his bedtime stories while mentally working out my to-do list for the evening (sort out the mountain of laundry, clean kitchen, break up cat fight, pay bills, attempt to spend time with husband), I realised that I've never thought that I've had enough time in the day to everything I want to do.  Even when I was young I probably wished there was more time to play.  And even a few years ago (pre-Kalani) I filled my time pretty effectively.  Back then it was a little more me-oriented: going to the gym, going out with friends, levelling up in WoW.... *cough* ... still, I was busy.

And then, to really put things into perspective, I think about some of the other mothers I know.

One has to work every evening after her baby goes to sleep.  No free time there.

Another has 2 boys under two - one who doesn't sleep and the other who doesn't stop moving, and climbing, and running... all day, every day.  No rest there, let alone any free time.

And yet another is studying full-time with a 1 year old baby at home.  

So what I'm trying to get at, in a very long winded way, is that it doesn't matter what your situation is.  None of us have enough time in the day to achieve everything that we want to.  

And one day, 20 years from now, when Kalani has moved out and the house is quiet and empty and I'm finally finishing the book that's been on my bedside table since last August, I'm going to look back at this time and wish that my life was still as busy and full and free-time deprived as it is now.

Life is good my friends, crazy busy... but good.

That Christmas Vibe

This is the best part of Christmas.  The before part.  When everyone is happy and full of joy and smiles and festive cheer.  The anticipation of what’s to come.  The sound of corny Christmas songs floating through the air.

I love it.

Though, to be completely honest, I haven’t embraced this Christmas as much as I wanted to.  I REALLY wanted to throw myself into a festive whirlwind with myself in the middle, as calm and serene as a … erm... a calm and serene person (*brain fail*).

*cough*

BUT, it hasn’t quite worked out that way and I’ve had a few really cranky moments, lots of snappy snipes at Kalani and Dan, and one or two full blown meltdowns.

However, all that’s about to change.

Tonight a very good friend arrives to spend Christmas with us, and that makes me so happy.  I’m smiling as I type this.

Today is my last day of work until next year - and Kalani’s last day of daycare as well.  That means that for over a week I can let him sleep late in the mornings without worrying if we’re going to be late for work.  We can take our time over everything instead of constantly rushing around trying to fit our lives into the too short days.

We’re pretty much ready for the big day - the tree is decorated, most of the presents are purchased and wrapped, the lights are lit and the house is warm and cosy. 

And now I’m going to relax and soak up the festive happy vibes.  Life is good.

So Merry Christmas to all of you, and thank you for being here with me during the last year.  Doing this keeps me sane, particularly knowing that you’re reading and caring and sending back love.  Mushy stuff I know, but it really helps, so a big big thank you.

Merry merry

Joy joy

And lots and lots of hugs

Lxxx

Little Happy

I knew I wouldn't last until Christmas... here I am again! 

I've still been writing a lot over the last several weeks, but it's all been sad and dreary and some of it has been quite ranty as well.  I made a deal with myself that I wouldn't publish anything here until I had something happy to write about since it's not much fun for anyone out there to have to constantly read depressing drivel, and so I've been waiting.

And waiting ...

And STILL waiting, almost making myself feel super-crazy-depressed because I didn't have something really happy and joyous to write about.

And then today a few things happened...

I got into the car at lunchtime to come home for my walk that I still do every lunch hour - even though Jazzy isn't here anymore - I still love that time that I get to myself.  I also say hi to Jazzy every time I walk past his little drinking spot, which made me cry the first week or so, but now it makes me smile.  Anyway, I got into the car and had to look in the backseat to see if Jazz was there because I could suddenly smell him.  Nope - no Jazzy in the backseat, but still that really strong sense that he was there.  So, I came home, went for my walk, and then on the way back to work I stopped at the petrol station to fill up (I have a total phobia about filling up the car with petrol - but I'll save that for another time) and while standing there looked into the boot of the car where I saw the still unwashed Jazzy cushions that I'd put in a few days earlier.  So Jazzy didn't come and visit me from the 'other side', but it felt like he was close by me for a lot of today.

Also at lunchtime, I ran into a friend's husband who told me that this friend has just had emergency surgery this week, but she's now fine and will be going home tomorrow.  I cried while I walked away from him, from the shock of the news, the relief that she's okay, and the realization that all of this, this life, can be taken away at any moment, and she is so lucky to be alive.

Then I went to pick up Kalani from daycare.  He normally doesn't really like to get dropped off in the morning, but geez does he hate to get picked up.  He does NOT want to come home with me.  I normally have some kind of bribe to lure him away with - grapes in the car, a surprise guest at home, the promise of licking the chocolate cake mixture from the bowl.  Today was no different from any other day, he really didn't want to come with me, so I chatted to one of the (amazing) girls who works at the daycare while he finished playing.  She told me that he's quite different from other 2 year old's - he thinks about things differently and in a lot more depth than any of the other's do!  She said that she finds it really interesting looking after him because he is so different (and she means different in a good way - I checked ... a few times).  Now I'm not saying that Kalani is any kind of genius because he's not - he's just an average 2 year old who has good and bad moments, but still - it's really nice to get good feedback about your kid.  I tried to hold on to that thought while I dragged him screaming to the car.

So - what am I trying to say?  

Basically, I had a good day.  Not because of any one thing - but more because lots of nice, happy moments happened today.

And then I look back at the last few months, and with the exception of a few really really awful days, every day has been like today.  There is always happy in each day, I just need to notice it more.  

I don't need to wait for a big happy event, because there probably won't be one.  What there will be, is lots and lots and LOTS of little happy moments.  Moments when you stop, even for just a millisecond, and think "I'm so glad to be here".

And I'm so glad to be back :)

Some Christmas related rambles will be coming soon.

Missing

So I haven't really been around much lately.  And I know that you're not sitting out there anxiously waiting for new updates/pictures, but still, I feel like I've been way too quiet recently.

There are a few reasons.  Dan's been away quite a bit which puts me on sole parenting, dog-walking, stop-the-cat-from-eating-the-house duty which all takes time.  But I'm also not in a great place right now.  More bad, crappy, life can be so terribly unfair stuff has happened, and the bounce back from that is taking a long time.

That's not to say that there's no happiness left - because there definitely is.  I cannot wait for Christmas.  Normally I don't get into the swing of things until the last moment, and then I regret how short the season is.  Not this year.  We're going to have mulled wine on the stove top from now until January.  The decoration box will come out in the next few weeks (and yup, we only have 1 box at the moment - but we WILL get more).  The cards will be sent out soon, and the presents will start to be wrapped.  I'm even going to dig out our Reggae Christmas Carol CD and put it on repeat.  

So Christmas is making me happy.  And so are small things.  I've been noticing birds a lot lately - maybe because I've been trying to look around me and appreciate what I have right now in my life, instead of walking with my head down just concentrating on putting one foot in front of another.  Today when I was driving home from getting my winter tires put on (yup, it's that time of year also), I saw a huge huge flock of those tiny little sparrow-like birds flying around.  There must have been a few hundred of them.  It was a moment of beauty and grace and magic.  A happy, life-is-great moment.

So between Christmas and the birds and the people I love, things are not so bad.  However, things may continue to be fairly quiet on this front, at least for the next little while.  

But I'll see you on the other side, and if I manage to stay quiet until Christmas (which is highly unlikely - I'll probably be back boring you with more Kalani related dramas in a week), then big fantabulous Christmas hugs to all of you.

Wanted: 1 Hobby

Today somebody asked me what 'activities' I was interested in - i.e. what did I do for a hobby in my spare time.

Huh?

Spare time?

Sheeesh - all my time goes into basic survival.  Work, keep house clean(ish), keep husband and child fed and clean(ish), keep pets alive.  And that's it.

As I was driving home, I thought about this and realised that I am boring.  Very boring.  I don't do ANYTHING other than just get by.  I never feel as if I have enough time to take on anything new.

Dan has surfing which requires some sacrifices.  On both our parts.  He sacrifices sleep since he gets up around 4ish to go out for a dawn session, and I sacrifice having him at home letting me sleep in/have spare time.  But it's definitely worth it.  He can be having a god awful time with life and work and his wife (!!!), and then he'll go surfing for a day and come home a totally different man.  Well, not totally different, but definitely rejuvenated.  It's his passion and I'm happy(ish) to give up my sleep-in's so that he can keep surfing.

So I need an interest too.  Something outside of work and home and children.  I'm losing myself in my mundane life and I need to find my own passion.

Now obviously I'm not about to start surfing.  Not here.  For many reasons:

1. I'm not an idiot;
2. I don't like the cold - and the water here is very cold (the surfers here put vaseline on their faces in winter to stop ice forming);
3. I like sleeping in;
4. I hate being held under water, and that happens a lot when you surf.  Unless you're Kelly Slater.  Actually, I think that even he gets dumped all the time.

Anyway, so I need an 'interest'.  I do a bit of yoga, but only because I feel like I should - so that doesn't really count.  I do this (blogging), but this is more like therapy than a hobby.  I sometimes play WoW (and no I'm not 'finished' yet!), but I now just end up feeling that each quest is just yet another thing I need to do.

So - I'm open to suggestions.  I'd like a really interesting hobby, that makes people think "Wow - she might be a Mum, and old, but She. Is. Cool".  

PS - I'm not interested in sky-diving, though it ticks a lot of the 'cool hobby' boxes.  I think it's more of an anti-lifestyle choice, and while my life may be kind of boring, I still like it very much thank you.

PPS - I'm also not interested in knitting.  It would be very handy to be able to make my own sweaters etc, but it doesn't tick any boxes. 

Christmas Cod Anyone?

I don't normally send out Christmas cards.  Mostly because I can't really be bothered.  Even back when I did have time.

But now I've reached a crisis point.  My "just can't be bothered"-ness is at war with my "I can't handle having unused cluttery stuff all over the place"-ness because of this ...

Yup - those free flipping Xmas cards that all the charities keep sending (and yes, they keep sending them because I'm a total sucker and always mail them a cheque back because I feel so bad that they've sent me something for free).  And now, after 5 years of receiving these cards and stockpiling them in a box, it's time to purge.

The obviously nice spin-off is that everyone who gets a card will think that we're awesome (unless you read this blog, and then you know that you've just received some seasonal de-clutter).

Whatever the reason, send me your address and I will send back a cute card with puppies on it.

Merry Xmas.

Oh crap, it really is too early for this isn't it?  It's only flipping October.  *sigh*

As a total aside, the name of this post was inspired (ha ha) by a conversation I had with a shop-keeper shortly after we arrived in Newfoundland.  I asked him if he had any blank card's.  He thought I was asking for blank cod's.  We were in an outdoor clothing store.  We were both very confused.