For the last few weeks I've been sitting down every couple of nights, and I've tried to write. I've got a few ideas floating around, but every time I try to put them to paper they just sound stupid. They're either too rushed, or I can't get my point across, or I start harping on about one whingy thing or another. And I know I'm no wordsmith, but I still want to express myself a certain way, it's just that... I can't find the words to say what's in my head.
I've tried different variations of the wine to writing ratio. Too little wine, and there's not enough inspiration. Too much and there's more staring into space than actual writing. I even contemplated starting a spreadsheet to keep track of my findings, but that's just verging on crazy (Natalie!!) and would definitely qualify me as a full time procrastinator.
And it's annoying, because this is something I generally enjoy doing. Apart from the exercise madness, this is my only 'hobby', and so I want to keep it as something that's fun, not something that I feel I need to do each week.
I used to play a game called WoW (World of Warcraft). It was actually Dan's game (to begin with), and I just dabbled a little - dressing up characters with different clothes/hairstyles/piercings. But then I became hooked. Totally hooked. And it was no longer Dan's game... it was 100% mine. I'd get up on a Saturday morning and play - all weekend. Dan would go out for the evening and I'd stay in and play, play, play.
It was awesome.
But then Kalani came along, and I did the 'full-time job during the day'/'full-time parent at night' juggle, and had a lot less time to do anything. When I did play WoW it wasn't fun anymore. A lot of the game is task based (e.g. kill 10 panthers, find 20 blue plants) and I resented spending my spare time doing more chores. I already had a huge To Do list, my idea of fun isn't to add to it.
So I stopped playing.
It took a while to completely stop - any addiction is hard to kick. But I don't miss it anymore... (though riding around on a dragon is pretty cool, and doesn't happen that often in real life - so maybe I do miss it a bit!).
Anyway, I'm rambling on. I don't want this (sweeps hands around indicating general blog thing) to suffer the same fate as WoW has in my life, and so perhaps I need to be more relaxed about it. I like writing here because, very weirdly, it makes me feel a lot more connected to all of you. I might not see you every day... or even every year, but by doing this I really feel like we're having a catch-up. Yes, it's slightly one-sided, but it's still a conversation, and conversation with a good friend is always fun and not something that's hard to do, or that needs to be scheduled into a weekly task list.
And so now, after writing this (points at screen), I feel happy about this (sweeps hands around indicating bloggy thing) again. After all, we've just had a great catch up. It's almost like we've just spent the evening together, though you were a little quiet - you should really speak up next time!
Well I've just finished my first glass of wine. By my reckoning it's about time for me to stare into space and dream that I live somewhere warm... with a beach... and a little puppy with floppy ears and big paws... and a big fire-breathing dragon that I can fly around on and shoot great jets of flame at evil trolls that are trying to turn puppies into zombies and ...
More wine anyone?