Sleeping with Liffey

My dad told me a story once, about his dad.  My poppa.

When Poppa was a little boy, he used to go to sleep lying on his back, with his arms straight by his sides.  As if he was standing to attention.  Because he wanted to be a soldier, so he practiced every single night.  Poppa ended up having a career in the British Army as a Brigadier.

So ever since I was quite young, I've believed that the position you sleep in morphs it's way into reality.  Sort of a "You Are What You Sleep"

So, keeping that in mind, here's a small excerpt from my brain as I'm trying to get to sleep ...

Oh, so cosy.

Mmmm.... cosy.

I love these flannel sheets - I'm really glad I finally got some.  They really make a difference.

Mmmmmmmmmm..... cooooossssssyyyyyyy....

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

My arms are crossed over my chest just like vampires and dead people in coffins.

I'M. GOING. TO DIE.

OH.

MY.

GOD.

Okay, calm down Liffey.  It's just a comfortable position to lie in.  Just put your arms by your side and stop getting upset.  

Breathe.

Relax.

Okay... I'm relaxed.

Mmmmm... cosy.

Yup - definitely glad about the sheets.  

Glad about the hot water bottle too - this country is cold.  

Brrrrr - okay, don't think about the cold.  Imagine you're on a warm beach, and you can feel the sand between your toes, and ....

*yawn*

Sooooooo coooosssyyy.

Warm.

Mmmm....

Toasty.

Sleepy

Sllllleeeeeeeeep ......

AAAAARRRRGGGHHHHHH.  MY ARMS ARE TRYING TO KILL ME

Yup folks, a night in bed with me is far from boring!

Sunday Spirituality

This afternoon Dan took Kalani off to visit his family, and I stayed at home.  To do some work (the bill-paying kind) that I needed to get done by Monday.

Anyway, it only took an hour or so, and after I'd finished I looked outside at the sunshine and the newly fallen snow, and decided to go for a walk.

Best idea I've had today.

The sky was a brilliant blue, and the sun was bright and warm and optimistic.  The snow on the track was just the right kind of snow for walking in.  Fluffy and not too deep.  Everything was covered in snow - white and clean and fresh and new.  The birds were singing and chirping and having little afternoon parties in the trees.  The stream gurgled loudly beside me.  The people I passed were all happy and I even made friends with a cute little dog.

Perfect.

I really needed this walk - the last few days have been pretty crappy, but today has made me feel like a new person.  I came back happy and content and a little bit sweaty since I'd put on way too many layers (I tend to over-compensate for the cold).  I really felt like I'd shed all the negative, poo-buminess of the last little while and I'm ready for whatever comes next.

Happy Sunday people. 

No Free Time

One of my most common rants to Dan is about how little free time I have.  Particularly in relation to someone else who has kids.

e.g.

"Blah-dee-blah says that SHE doesn't have any time to do anything, but she doesn't work full-time like I do."

and ...

"Dum-dee-dum says that SHE doesn't have any free time, but she manages to read for enjoyment.  I haven't read a book in 6 months"

etc. etc.

And then tonight, as I was reading Kalani his bedtime stories while mentally working out my to-do list for the evening (sort out the mountain of laundry, clean kitchen, break up cat fight, pay bills, attempt to spend time with husband), I realised that I've never thought that I've had enough time in the day to everything I want to do.  Even when I was young I probably wished there was more time to play.  And even a few years ago (pre-Kalani) I filled my time pretty effectively.  Back then it was a little more me-oriented: going to the gym, going out with friends, levelling up in WoW.... *cough* ... still, I was busy.

And then, to really put things into perspective, I think about some of the other mothers I know.

One has to work every evening after her baby goes to sleep.  No free time there.

Another has 2 boys under two - one who doesn't sleep and the other who doesn't stop moving, and climbing, and running... all day, every day.  No rest there, let alone any free time.

And yet another is studying full-time with a 1 year old baby at home.  

So what I'm trying to get at, in a very long winded way, is that it doesn't matter what your situation is.  None of us have enough time in the day to achieve everything that we want to.  

And one day, 20 years from now, when Kalani has moved out and the house is quiet and empty and I'm finally finishing the book that's been on my bedside table since last August, I'm going to look back at this time and wish that my life was still as busy and full and free-time deprived as it is now.

Life is good my friends, crazy busy... but good.

That Christmas Vibe

This is the best part of Christmas.  The before part.  When everyone is happy and full of joy and smiles and festive cheer.  The anticipation of what’s to come.  The sound of corny Christmas songs floating through the air.

I love it.

Though, to be completely honest, I haven’t embraced this Christmas as much as I wanted to.  I REALLY wanted to throw myself into a festive whirlwind with myself in the middle, as calm and serene as a … erm... a calm and serene person (*brain fail*).

*cough*

BUT, it hasn’t quite worked out that way and I’ve had a few really cranky moments, lots of snappy snipes at Kalani and Dan, and one or two full blown meltdowns.

However, all that’s about to change.

Tonight a very good friend arrives to spend Christmas with us, and that makes me so happy.  I’m smiling as I type this.

Today is my last day of work until next year - and Kalani’s last day of daycare as well.  That means that for over a week I can let him sleep late in the mornings without worrying if we’re going to be late for work.  We can take our time over everything instead of constantly rushing around trying to fit our lives into the too short days.

We’re pretty much ready for the big day - the tree is decorated, most of the presents are purchased and wrapped, the lights are lit and the house is warm and cosy. 

And now I’m going to relax and soak up the festive happy vibes.  Life is good.

So Merry Christmas to all of you, and thank you for being here with me during the last year.  Doing this keeps me sane, particularly knowing that you’re reading and caring and sending back love.  Mushy stuff I know, but it really helps, so a big big thank you.

Merry merry

Joy joy

And lots and lots of hugs

Lxxx

Little Happy

I knew I wouldn't last until Christmas... here I am again! 

I've still been writing a lot over the last several weeks, but it's all been sad and dreary and some of it has been quite ranty as well.  I made a deal with myself that I wouldn't publish anything here until I had something happy to write about since it's not much fun for anyone out there to have to constantly read depressing drivel, and so I've been waiting.

And waiting ...

And STILL waiting, almost making myself feel super-crazy-depressed because I didn't have something really happy and joyous to write about.

And then today a few things happened...

I got into the car at lunchtime to come home for my walk that I still do every lunch hour - even though Jazzy isn't here anymore - I still love that time that I get to myself.  I also say hi to Jazzy every time I walk past his little drinking spot, which made me cry the first week or so, but now it makes me smile.  Anyway, I got into the car and had to look in the backseat to see if Jazz was there because I could suddenly smell him.  Nope - no Jazzy in the backseat, but still that really strong sense that he was there.  So, I came home, went for my walk, and then on the way back to work I stopped at the petrol station to fill up (I have a total phobia about filling up the car with petrol - but I'll save that for another time) and while standing there looked into the boot of the car where I saw the still unwashed Jazzy cushions that I'd put in a few days earlier.  So Jazzy didn't come and visit me from the 'other side', but it felt like he was close by me for a lot of today.

Also at lunchtime, I ran into a friend's husband who told me that this friend has just had emergency surgery this week, but she's now fine and will be going home tomorrow.  I cried while I walked away from him, from the shock of the news, the relief that she's okay, and the realization that all of this, this life, can be taken away at any moment, and she is so lucky to be alive.

Then I went to pick up Kalani from daycare.  He normally doesn't really like to get dropped off in the morning, but geez does he hate to get picked up.  He does NOT want to come home with me.  I normally have some kind of bribe to lure him away with - grapes in the car, a surprise guest at home, the promise of licking the chocolate cake mixture from the bowl.  Today was no different from any other day, he really didn't want to come with me, so I chatted to one of the (amazing) girls who works at the daycare while he finished playing.  She told me that he's quite different from other 2 year old's - he thinks about things differently and in a lot more depth than any of the other's do!  She said that she finds it really interesting looking after him because he is so different (and she means different in a good way - I checked ... a few times).  Now I'm not saying that Kalani is any kind of genius because he's not - he's just an average 2 year old who has good and bad moments, but still - it's really nice to get good feedback about your kid.  I tried to hold on to that thought while I dragged him screaming to the car.

So - what am I trying to say?  

Basically, I had a good day.  Not because of any one thing - but more because lots of nice, happy moments happened today.

And then I look back at the last few months, and with the exception of a few really really awful days, every day has been like today.  There is always happy in each day, I just need to notice it more.  

I don't need to wait for a big happy event, because there probably won't be one.  What there will be, is lots and lots and LOTS of little happy moments.  Moments when you stop, even for just a millisecond, and think "I'm so glad to be here".

And I'm so glad to be back :)

Some Christmas related rambles will be coming soon.