Life = Heartbreaking

This is pretty raw, and I guess it's pretty personal and a lot of people wouldn't share it, but I always find that writing/sharing stuff on here makes me feel a lot better.  Lets hope it works this time.

It's happened again.  Once again I've lost Kalani's sibling.  This will be the 3rd actual miscarriage, and the 4th time we've thought we were pregnant only to discover that we're not.

It's just not fair.  I'm so sad and empty and full of rage at the unfairness of it.  Why is this happening again?

Now I know that we already have Kalani.  We're really lucky in that respect.  If you're not able to have children for whatever reason then I can't imagine how awful that must be, and forgive my rantings here because you probably think I have nothing to rant about.  You're probably right.

But there's this "thing" inside of me.  This primal feeling that's yelling "HAVE ANOTHER BABY RIGHT NOW".  And I'm really trying.  We're really trying, but you know what? It just isn't working.

Do you have a life plan?  An idea of how your life will map out?  Yup, I kind of did too, but none of it's really happened.  I imagine that's pretty normal.  There probably aren't too many people who plan out their life and then find that it all goes just as they expected.  I guess that'd be pretty boring.

BUT ....

I do want Kalani to have a brother or a sister to grow up with, and I feel so mad and helpless - that's it, I feel totally helpless, because I just. can't. do it.

Tomorrow is my birthday.  I'll be 38.  The odds of actually getting pregnant, staying pregnant and then having a healthy child aren't great.  So much for the plan.

Arghhhhh....

So I think my life plan is going to have to change.  There's going to be less actual planning and organizing (which I love), and there's going to be more living in the present.

I'm not going to hold off decorating the other bedroom, I'm going to turn it into a playroom.  I might even book a holiday somewhere warm and lovely.

*sigh*

And I'm going to stand up straight and put a big smile on my face and keep going.  Because otherwise I would stay in my bed, curled up in a tight little ball, sobbing and sobbing until my heart finally breaks.

Life is tough. But so are we.  

Keep marching poppets.